“Barbie has a great day every day. Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.”
From the Barbie movie, screenplay by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach
I’m fortunate to have Bijan Robinson on my fantasy team. However, I didn’t participate in our league draft, because I was busy watching the “Barbie” movie at Parkside 8. My son grabbed Bijan for me at pick No. 8.
Several weeks ago, a good friend of mine asked me if I would like to go see the new “Barbie” film, and I told her I would rather have my eyes gouged out with an oyster fork.
But my friend refused to budge, and I eventually caved into her entreaties as any God-fearing man who occasionally reads the Good Book would. I mean, I know a little bit about sacrifices.
According to the King James Bible, John 15:13, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
Amen! But I’d say going to see the “Barbie” movie for a friend comes pretty doggone close.
In the interest of full disclosure, I wouldn’t say I hated the film, I even laughed a few times.
But I can’t recommend it.
Mercifully, we missed the first couple of minutes but arrived in time to see two live-action Ken dolls engaged in a confrontation, complete with a suggestive joke involving something known as beaching. To be honest, I never did quite understand what the contest was about.
To wit: Ryan Gosling as Ken: “Let’s beach off.”
I’ll let you go see the film to hear the rest of it since it gets much worse.
Hey, the film is rated PG-13 so complain to CARA.
The film begins with Stereotypical Barbie (played by pulchritudinous Australian actress Margot Robbie) having an existential crisis in her Barbie Land dreamhouse because some girl who once played with her in the “real world” is having a similar meltdown because of tension with her ill-mannered Marxist daughter.
Now, understand something: in Barbie Land, every female is a Barbie, from the president to the nine members of the Supreme Court (unless they managed to pack the court while I was out getting popcorn, which is entirely possible). All the brainless males, on the other hand, are Kens – with the exception of a fellow named Alan – who roam the streets of Barbie Land like homeless people in San Francisco, just the way the Barbies seem to like it.
But Stereotypical Barbie must deal with her emotional dilemma or give up high heels. Enter Weird Barbie played by Kate McKinnon. Weird Barbie fills the role of mentor for Barbie like Obe-Wan Kanobi did for Luke Skywalker.
Since the iconic doll’s existential crisis is a threat to Barbie Land nearly as dangerous as another Trump presidency, Weird Barbie tells Stereotypical Barbie to go to the real world, find the distressed girl, and make Barbie Land safe for the entrenched feminist oligarchy again.
So, off Barbie goes, only to find that Ryan Gosling’s Ken has hidden himself in her pink Corvette. Barbie is displeased by his presence but takes Ken to the real world anyway, where he learns about the patriarchy and horses and eventually takes his ideas about male domination back to Barbie Land. The Kens subsequently take over and brainwash all the Barbies into being Barbie bimbos.
But Ryan Gosling’s Ken proves to be a leader about as incompetent as Chuck Schumer and makes a mess of Barbie Land, even precipitating a war amongst the Kens.
Meanwhile, Barbie finds the distressed girl and brings her back to Barbie Land, where she makes an impassioned feminist speech and un-brainwashes all the bimbo Barbies.
Crisis averted, Barbie rejects Ken’s pathetic attempts to win her love and gets herself transformed into a human, so she can visit a gynecologist.
At this point, “I felt a great disturbance in the Force as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."
There is no romantic ending here, only a rejection of love in favor of some empty notions of empowerment. Still, some people apparently liked the movie and its ending. A reviewer on imdb.com called the film “a source of inspiration and empowerment. It effortlessly showcases strong, fearless female characters who break stereotypes and defy expectations.”
As I left the theater, I suddenly wanted to watch an episode of “Father Knows Best.” I thought about poor Ken and his dashed hopes, even though I couldn’t blame Barbie for rejecting such a dolt.
But then I thought of Ken Griffey and his son Ken Griffey Jr. hitting back-to-back home runs and all was right with the world again.
Selah.
*Yes, that’s from Star Wars: A New Hope, written by George Lucas.