The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
– Socrates
At the top of the rail this column occupies, you will find an updated photo of yours truly. I believe it more accurately reflects the person I have become since the old photo was taken eight years ago.
I now have the look of a seasoned sage, don’t you think. And I spend most of my time pondering the great mysteries of the universe in an effort to improve the lot of humans everywhere. You can think of me as a sort of local Dalai Lama, a Big Master Guru, if you will.
Last night, in fact, while I was doing my usual pondering, I began a conceptual drawing of a four-dimensional golf course, something even Einstein never attempted.
But in order to understand my new and brilliant concept, it is necessary to review the dynamics of a three-dimensional course like Augusta National. We’ll start small.
First, imagine a point in space. Perhaps the spot on the fairway where you ball sits. A point in space has no dimensions at all, but in order for your ball to get from Point-in Space A (where it is) to Point-In-Space B (the cup) it has to travel along a line, which is a one-dimensional representation of space bounded by two non-dimensional points. Admittedly, the line often starts at Point A and winds up in the bunker, but the reason for that involves something Isaac Newton discovered on the golf course many years ago: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” In other words, don’t hit the ball too hard trying to look like Tiger Woods.
Next let’s consider the tee box, which can be thought of as a square, which is a two-dimensional representation of space bounded by four of those one-dimensional lines we talked about.
If the tee box were three-dimensional, your tee shot would hit the side of the tee box and could bounce back and hit you in the . . . well, let’s not think about that.
Are you following me so far?
Let’s consider the 155-yard, par 3, 12 th hole at Augusta. You might consider the layout of the hole as a three-dimensional space bounded by six of those two dimensional squares we talked about when discussing the tee box. Those six squares give us a cube. Put a moat and three sand traps in the cube and you have hole No. 12.
But if you really want a challenge, try playing hole No. 12 on my four-dimensional golf course. If a third dimensional cube bounded by six squares makes up Augusta’s hole No. 12, then the fourth dimensional space on my Hole No. 12 would be bounded on each side by eight cubes.
Try hitting a decent tee shot through that.
I understand if you now have a splitting headache.
Let’s lighten things up a bit by going to the Big Master Guru’s weekly mailbag of profound questions readers want answered.
Should the Atlanta Falcons draft a pass rusher with the No. 8 pick in the NFL draft?
Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT. In the 57-year history of the team, the Falcons have only drafted two decent defensive ends in the first round: Claude Humphrey and Patrick Kerney. The last two they have picked, both drafted at No. 8 by the way, were less than impressive: Jamaal Anderson and Vic Beasley.
Was Will Smith justified in slapping Chris Rock?
Answer: Well that’s a less mundane question, but I think you are the victim of fake news. According to the Atlanta Braves, Will Smith, the relief pitcher who appeared in 60 games for the World Series Champs, has never slapped anyone. Neither has Dodger catcher Will Smith (I would be amused if Will Smith knocked down Will Smith with an inside fastball and Will Smith slapped Will Smith). That aside, the only player with the last name Rock who ever played major league baseball was a first basemen named Les Rock who had one at bat for the Chicago White Sox in 1936. Which makes me wonder: If your last name was Moore, would it be in poor taste to name your son Les?
And while I’m pondering, do people in New Zealand sleep more than everyone else? Think about that for minute.
Is Joe Biden a good president?
I think Joe could have excelled as the manager of a hardware store in suburban Scranton, but I don’t know if he’s a good president or not. Go on Twitter and ask them.
Can you define the word woman?
Answer: That is most assuredly a trick question and one that I would be a fool to try and answer. And besides, I went through a divorce once, so my answer would be skewed by a certain amount of bitterness.
Selah.