People say I’ll be drafted in the first round, maybe even higher.
Craig “Ironhead” Heyward Ten seconds after the Atlanta Falcons selected Michael Penix Jr. with the eighth pick in the 2024 NFL Draft, I received a text.
I knew who it was from because I knew my son would be furious with the Falcons' choice.
I couldn’t entirely disagree with his assessment. It seems wild to draft a quarterback after you spent nearly $200 million to get Kirk Cousins.
But the Falcons have always been a wacky bunch when it comes to pick No. 8. Remember DE Jamal Anderson?
The Falcons drafted Brett Favre at No. 33 in 1991, refused to let him play, and traded him. To make a long, convoluted story short, the Falcons traded picks No. 19, No. 46, and No. 104 to New England for pick No. 8 and selected Bob Whitfield. The other picks involved didn’t amount to much. Whitfield was a solid tackle, but I’d say the Falcons got the short end of the stick on that trade for Favre.
This year, most media pundits predicted the Falcons would select edge rusher Dallas Turner out of Alabama. And pundits don’t like it when their predictions are way off.
“Curse those unruly Falcons; how dare they pick Penix and foul up everything.”
In the second round, the Falcons drafted Ruke Orhorhoro (pronounced orororo), a defensive tackle out of Clemson.
The dude needs a nickname in the worst way because every time I say his name, I wind up singing it: “Orhorhoro your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.”
But in Orhorhoro’s case, I have started singing: “Orhorhoro, your boat, roughly down the stream, violently, violently, violently, violently, I’ll make the passer scream.”
I’m throwing out “Dreadnaught” as a possible nickname with the knowledge that no nickname I have ever suggested has been adopted.
Sadly, most pundits weren’t happy with the Orhorhoro pick either.
I looked at the draft grades on Sunday morning, and the consensus is that the Falcons botched the whole exercise, getting Ds and Fs from commentators who claim to know what the Falcons need and who they should have drafted.
That’s a bit like me arguing with Justin at Justin’s Tire and Auto on Harmony Road over an automotive repair diagnosis: “What do you mean it needs brakes? I think it needs a new carburetor.”
“It’s fuel-injected, Michael.”
“Well, of course it is. Then change the glow plugs and be quick about it.”
“I would if it were a diesel.”
You see what I mean.
At this point, all you can say about this year’s draft is, “We’ll just have to see what happens.”
“Always in motion is the future,” as Yoda once told Luke Skywalker.
No one knows that lesson better than the Atlanta Hawks.
1985 the Hawks drafted John Koncak but could have drafted Karl Malone.
As for me, I could have had a V-8 this morning. And with no reason not to, I did. And some cheese toast.
So, you see, I didn’t overthink my breakfast. I had bread, and I had cheese, so cheese toast. It's a simple equation.
Despite what the talking heads on ESPN will tell you, the draft isn’t all that complicated. It’s as simple as shopping. A discerning housewife could handle it better than a gaggle of nitwits in an NFL “war room.”
So, imagine a housewife walking onto Highway 44 Publix. Imagine you hear NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell say, “The Housewife is on the clock.” Just trust me. I have a point.
Publix tries to manipulate the housewife as soon as she walks in, tempting her with an exciting array of fresh fruits and vegetables sprayed with water to make them glisten and weigh more at checkout.
But let’s say our housewife doesn’t need any mangoes or melons.
She wants candy, so she bypasses the produce and heads straight down aisle No. 3. She finds the snack-size PAYDAY bars and almost makes them her No. 1 draft choice until she notices that the package for each bar is 25 percent longer than the bar inside (which is true, by the way).
Shame on you, Hershey!
Then our housewife sees a rectangular sign that tells her the Snickers bars are buy-one-get-one free. That’s like getting Caleb Williams and then Jayden Daniels as a bonus. So, the pick is in.
Goodell: “With the first pick in the Publix Draft, the housewife selects the 40-pack of Snickers bars.” Even a cave homemaker could do it.
Selah.